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BIKER LITES: Clueless.

So I’m now back in Cali after 16 years living in Arizona. My wife and I felt there was nothing for us there anymore, neither one of could seen to find suitable employment there either, not to mention we became sick to death of the heat. All our savings were depleted due to my 3 eye surgeries, but thats a whole ‘nother tale.

Before I get into what I wanna talk about, I do need to point out that Az has the best bike people and best bike shops you’ll find anywhere. I mean that, and I miss both terribly. Here in L.A., there just isn’t much in the way of great old time hardcore bike shops like in Phoenix, I’ve been back here for three months and can’t find shit.

Even Micah McCloskey’s, where I usta work has shut down. Just the one place that has been in my hood since the ’50s is still here,and that is Casey’s Cycle in Pacoima. And there are no good automotive speed equipment shops here anymore either, this fucking blows, but I’m getting away from my subject matter at hand, and that is the ridiculous Biker Lites.

This situation has gotten waaaayy out of hand, I would have figured these putzes on bikes would have long gone away by now. On the Seedy board on Facebook the other day, someone posted a pick of a Roadking, I believe complete with a huge built in contraption on the side of it to haul some BL’s huge bag of golfclubs. I commented that this guy MUST be here in Cali because bikerlite douchebaggery goes to a whole new level here.

To illustrate that, I am gonna do a quick Biker Lit Crit of a publication in California called Thunderpress–Harley Davidson Motorcycle News. Those of you who live here know what T.P. is, it is a free newspaper like rag that is stacked by the door of Harley dealerships, and other Harley oriented dumps B.L.s like to to gather at. My brother picked one up and left it at my Ma’s house which is where Nancy and I are staying. She by the way broke her ankle falling off the back of the Penske truck I rented to get us here.

While waiting the many hours at County USC for them to take care of her, I took the Thunder Press with me for something to read. I will now refer to the rag as T.P. as I feel it most appropriate. First thing I see and read is some middle-aged twat going on and gushing about the Harley Barbies her local dealership had a drawing for! This is a grown-ass woman in her mid forties going on like this folks. Accompaning the article was the photo of the weaners–umm, coff, scuzz me, winners of the Harley Barbies. 5 MEN and the beformentioned gushing twat. Those in the pic were everything in a nutshell you would imagine a B.L. being. Living caracatures. This is biker lite moral relativism example #1.

Next we have the letter to the Editor section cleverly entitled “And Then They Said”. First off was some poor crybaby screaming that his T.P.s never reached his home until long after the freebie ones hit the doors of dealerships and what not. This puss was so angry and was pretending to cuss, but doen’t have the balls to write it as such, fuck is spelled f**K, asshole is spelled a**hole, you get the idea. Example #2.

Next in the letters was a genderbender whose comment was entitled “Impulse Shopping”. This is his(its) letter, note for note:

“A year ago a couple of my buddies bought some Harleys and told me to get one too. I told them to leave me alone. I kept hearing talk about all the fun the were having riding all over So Cal, so i called the local Harley Store and asked if they had any Fat Boys in stock. They said no but to call in the morning. I did for the next five mornings until he said they got 4 in the night before. I grabbed my checkbook and got there in 10 minutes flat! I walking in and all the Fatboys were sold! Oh well, I then looked at a Heritage. It was beautiful, and what a piece of art. The next thing to do was find one of my “buddies”to get this thing home for me( I didn’t have a motorcycle license.) Now I have a harley in my garage and a chubby going on. When I got home from work, I found a G-string hanging from the mirror. I guess this was my wife’s way of saying it was OK since I neglected to tell her we bought it.

Well, 2 weeks later one Sunday morning my buddies called me up to go one my first ride with them. I’m cool now because I just had a chrome front end and pipes installed. So me and the little lady showed up and the first thing the guys said to me, ‘Where the hell are you long pants?’ I said ‘This is SoCal dude, I dont own any.’ Well now I have some and am still learning after a bee flew into my shorts and stung me on my ass. (is this fuck serious——–zap)

A year, 4000 miles, one Laughlin and two weekends in Palm Springs, my wife and I are having the time of our lives (lies—–zap). We go on rides to raise money for charity, and heart rides.

Now lets get to what has been eating at me for a time.
I read this magazine and a few others. The articles say people towing their bikes behind motorhomes or on trailers are not bikers. Well what is a biker? Do you have to stink? Do you have to have socks and underwear stick to your body? Bugs in your teeth if you have any? Or just live in a trailer? If ya do, then call me a harley rider instead. That way you can keep the stereotype “biker” for ex-cons and dirtbags as it has been for decades…..

If we ever go to Sturgis, we will tow the bike on a trailer behind our motorhome. So What! Its a long way from San Diego and my ass would be sore(its already sore from other things———zap). Besides we have a warm place to sleep and shower. So What! I earned it, I deserve it! I even eat sushi, so what! That still doesn’t make me a Yuppie!

So the next time you go to a ‘biker’ get together, remember, everyone there is human. Bikers, Harley riders, or anybody else,Fags don’t count. (yep his words——–zap) One more thing: you that have shirts and stickers that say ‘Trailers are for boats” can kiss my bee sting.’

Mark Hildebrand, El Cajone, Ca.”

This is B.L. moral relativism # 3. I am quite sure miss Marcy Hildebrand’s smirk has been soundly smacked from her big shit talking mouth by now.

At the end of this drival of a rag was the classifieds. One Harley Barbie for $400.00, another for $700.00. Jeeezzuus Khryyst, these punk are a breed of their own.

This B.L. moral relativism just shows how shallow, and what pathetic no nothing jackoffs these people really are, and why the rest of us who really are in the game, and in the trenches can’t stand them.

I experience the same damn thing in my musical life, I am also a hardcore punk rock musician. I left my last band in Phoenix just before I moved to Cali due to punk rock moral relativism, on the part of my ex bandmembers. I believe either you do it right, or not at all, and certainly not a watered down version of it. There is enough fakery in the world.
Just look at you country’s politicians.



  1. Tim M. (47str8leg) Says:

    Hey Mike,

    Enjoyed your article. but you have to wonder if some of these stories and people are made up like those early N.Y. Iron horses before Snow came on the scene.

    Tim (47str8leg)


      Tim, I posted your busting-his-balls comment, for Mike to see at The (new) Seedy. Sure wish you’d join Facebook and come over, buddy…

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